My confession

The last time I wrote here I said it had been a while. Then I stopped again. Then I wrote that I was finally writing again. Then I stopped. This is my first post in 6 months. Just seems to work out this way. God fills me with a fire and a desire again, but it quickly gets doused or reduced down to nothing but an ember. I feel like a city without a heart, just a broken shell of what I could be. I thought this semester would find me in a different place. I thought that being given the position as one of the speakers for the Truett Perspectives Conference was a sign that things were headed nowhere but up and out. Then the car of my dreams smashed into my driver side. For years I have pined to own a Ford Mustang, with my parents always telling me that it wasn't practical for me to have one, despite them both owning one in the past. So I yearned and begged and hoped that one day I would own one. So I find it quite ironic that when I had a somewhat major car wreck, it was a Ford Mustang that smashed into me. Physically I am fine. I have returned to only the normal soreness that I face because of my weight and lack of being in shape. Mentally and spiritually however I am beyond drained. This weekend our band Daybreak returned to our birthplace to lead worship at a DNow, but I could not even enjoy the landmark event because of the events of the last few weeks.
You see, for all the times that I have been told that I matter and that my friends care for me, the devil takes times like what I'm going through now to punch at those wounds and make me believe that I really am alone. That I have no one. And it usually works. Because a lot of the time I do feel like I have no one. And he knows that too. So this weekend when I should have been soaking in the goodness that God has blessed us with, I was sulking in a corner and treating my bandmates, my brothers and sister, like hot garbage. And until yesterday afternoon, I didn't even feel bad about it. That's the funny thing about God, sometimes He'll let you stew in something for a little bit before He shows you the way out. On the way back from church yesterday afternoon, God showed me that my friends do care for me. And that He is there for me. But He also showed me what I'm about to share with you now, which is tightening my stomach up just thinking about posting this on the internet, but I feel that God is calling me to do so. You see for the longest time my sense of loneliness has led me to find something to make me feel not alone. Now I've never struggled with drinking too much or doing drugs, or even cutting or any of the normal releases or addictions. But for far too long now I have struggled silently with an addiction to pornography. There. I said it. I have no idea what God's plan is from here, but I know that I am being told to share this with you now. So I need whoever reads this to do something for me. I need you to pray. I need you to intercede for me like I am your closest friend. Because God has called me to do something great for His kingdom. But right now, I don't feel the strength to do it. I need your prayers. I need strength. I need hope. God, I need Your help.

Pastor Coco
Cory Lynn Schibler