Walls

I thought about not writing this. After the aftermath of what I wrote last time I've been quite curious whether writing would come easily to me or not. Whether I would sit and ponder for hours whether it was worth it to write something new here, not knowing what effect it might have on those who read it. Not knowing whether what I write here would be the end of relationships as they have existed to this point. Not knowing whether the next sentence I write could be something that creates a rift between people.

Then the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I can't stop. Every action has unforeseen consequences. I'm sure that each time I write my writings will carry those possibilities. But I was told by God to write the things that He shows me. So I'll write.

Tonight I attended the Carnival Night of Worship at Acts Christian Fellowship. The evening was good, but I want to focus on what happened towards the end of the service. Jaycee Jennings, a communicator from Youth for the Nations was the speaker. He did your standard altar call type stuff, but then he went on to talk to the kids about the stirring of the Spirit. Those who know me know that while I love ACF, I've always been somewhat leary of all the Spirit filled talk, as if it came about out of something more special than being a Christian, as if the Spirit is not with all Christians. That's always bothered me. Anyways, tonight as Jaycee was talking about kids being filled he ask anyone who was seeking this stirring of the Spirit to come forward. Now, I didn't. Not because I haven't been seeking God more fully or because I don't believe this necessary. I just couldn't. Even as several people, including Omari and Austin, both looked at me intently like, "dude, why are you not up here, this is what you're searching for?" I couldn't move. It was like I was bolted to the floor. So I did the only thing I could do. I leaned forward, put my elbows on the chair in front of me and put my hands in a handcuff position over my head. And I cried. And prayed. And cried. And prayed. I pretty much alternated this cycle for what seemed like an eternity. I shouted out violently in my head to God that I didn't know what to do anymore. It seems like no matter how often I do or attempt to do what He's called me to do, it still seems like nothing turns out how it should. Even now, at this point in my life where I have realized and acknowledge that I need to lean on Him and not other people, things still don't seem right.

I continued praying for a while, begging God to show me something. To fill me with something that would make this life make some kind of sense. Because as much as I love God and as much as He has used me to help and influence others, when it comes to my own life I still feel like such a wreck.

That's when it happened.

Throughout the night I had seen an ACF member whose name is Ryar(sorry if I spelled this wrong). Every few minutes I would see Ryar walk up to another person in the room and speak over them. This happened periodically throughout the night. Now I've grown accustomed to this in my time doing things with ACF. In fact, it seems to be the norm rather than the exception. Anyway, after what felt like an eternity of this cycle of prayer and crying, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Ryar, who began to speak over me something to this affect.

"God wants you to know that you need to tear down your walls. You've built up all these walls to keep people at a distance so that you won't be hurt, but those walls keep out the things that our meant to help you as well. You've built a wall that separates you from the Spirit and from those that have been sent to help. God wants you to know that you have felt like you've been in a constant season of defeat but that you are entering into a season of victory."

As Kids in the Way once said, the winter's passing. Like I said I've never been much for the highly spiritual nature of ACF. Not because I don't believe in the Spirit or its work, but because I've seen a lot of bogus stuff done in the name of the Spirit. Once you get burned, you're always more cautious around a flame. But this was different. You see, tonight was only the second time I've spoken to Ryar. Ever. He doesn't really know me at all nor do I know him. He doesn't know my struggles. Most people don't really. Yet when he spoke over me he used some of the same things that I had been praying and crying over. Verbatim. Every. Single. Word.

It seems that God has tired of me not catching the subtle things and has become more and more forward with how He speaks to me. But tonight the message was plain. Tear down your walls. Stop hiding from me and from others. When you build up walls around yourself, you're not protecting yourself from harm, you're isolating yourself from help. This was exactly what I needed to hear. And as far as that, "Lord, fill me with something more" thing that I mentioned earlier. Yea, He went after that again too. You see about a year ago, in the parking lot of a snocone stand I had an encounter with God. As Omari prayed over me and laid hands on me Omari felt immense heat radiating from me. I knew then it had to be God. There was nothing else it could have been. The last year hasn't exactly reflected that experience. But tonight God reminded me of it. As I sat with my hands affixed over my head, it felt like fire was oozing down through my fingers and into my palms. After a while it was like I was holding a fireball in my hands. And just as quickly as it appeared, the feeling left me.

You see, God is showing us what we can be. He's powerful enough that He can come through our walls if He so chooses. But the thing is that God doesn't want to have to come through your walls. God wants you to want Him enough that you will tear apart the very foundations of the earth itself to get to Him. But see the beauty of it all is that you don't have to tear apart the earth to reach God. God is with you, just on the other side of your walls. And if you will reach out and grab the walls that you have built around you and bring them down to rubble, you will find that all along you have been surrounded by everything that you have been looking for. They've been waiting for you. Just outside your walls.

Pastor Mama Coco

Life in You

So I haven't talked about this with a lot of people, but it's been on my mind so I figure why not, after everything else I've posted this might as well go up to. You see, a good portion of my life has sucked. Of course you'll hear those that will say, "they're kids starving in Africa, look at all the stuff you have" and yea, I feel sorry for those less fortunate than me but this is my blog and a good portion of my life has sucked regardless of how many children have distended bellies.

Now I know why my life has sucked. Girls. I know, cliche right? Well, cliches became a cliche for a reason, it's because for a large percentage of time they hold true. Now some may say I've been too sensitive. Some may say that if I just developed a tougher shell then maybe these events wouldn't have made my life suck so bad. Screw that. Girls have caused me more heartache than I can ever completely recall. Now I admit, some of this does indeed fall squarely into my court. However, that doesn't change the fact the girls have ruined large portions of my life. Chasing them, loving them, hating them, whatever the case may be, girls have been significantly involved.

I won't go into details about every single instance, but some things still stand out to me as they are quite significant in the fact of my life sucking. I hold no ill will against these girls, it is just that they are quite distinct instances which I will not forget quickly.

You see, one girl that I went to college with rejected me. Full friend speech and all. There is only 1 small problem that I should mention concerning why this sucked so bad. I wasn't asking her out! If that doesn't qualify as life sucking I don't know what does. I made a compliment about her hair, which she had drastically changed from the style of which she had had for the 4 years that I had known her. And this was interpreted as hitting on her and attempting to date her!

As if that wasn't enough, during my time at seminary I have again been the recipient of the full on just want to be friends speech. This time, from a girl that I was neither interested in or attempting to ask out. I'm batting a thousand on getting rejected by girls I'm not asking out. If that doesn't suck, I don't know what does.

The last instance may be the worst. Most likely because it was not only someone that I kind of liked, but one that I consider a close friend. And when her life was not going so great, it seemed that she felt the same way about me. We talked every single day. Unfortunately, it was always about how crummy things were going and I was the designated shoulder to cry on. And I embraced that because I thought that maybe it things would eventually go my way if I did. I'll go ahead and admit the fault on this one. I put myself in a position to continually have my heart broken into smaller and smaller pieces. And now that her life is going good, I generally don't hear from her too often. Which breaks the pieces just a little bit more.

Like I said, I hold no ill will against these girls. To the contrary, I love all three of them and care for them very much. One of them is now married. One of them is fixing to leave the state for several months. And the final one says that she has found a guy that she loves very much. I'm proud of each of them, and continue to thoroughly enjoy the fact that we are friends.

You see I've finally after all this time reached a point where I can live freely. Where I can live in the knowledge that I don't need someone else. I'm finally in a place where what God thinks of me is what truly matters. Where He is what I need/desire/want/run to. Sure I slip up. I still hurt. I still feel like there's got to be someone out there that likes large men with a nerdy side and a tendency for philosophical and pastoral rants, such as this one. But I'm ok with waiting now. I think it sucks. But I'll wait. Because all I want is God. I figure if I can't be content with a loving relationship with the creator of the universe, some lucky girl doesn't really stand much of a chance. So I wait. Because I have tasted and I have seen that the Lord is good. And not only is He good, but He makes my heart pound right out of my chest. God makes me short of breath and He makes me rise to my feet for no reason. God is all I want and He has consumed me. And He is changing me into a person that only desires Him. So that when the appropriate time comes, I can be with the one that I have desired over Him for so long.

If you can't love a God who would do something like that, what can you love?

Pastor Mama Coco