Life in You

So I haven't talked about this with a lot of people, but it's been on my mind so I figure why not, after everything else I've posted this might as well go up to. You see, a good portion of my life has sucked. Of course you'll hear those that will say, "they're kids starving in Africa, look at all the stuff you have" and yea, I feel sorry for those less fortunate than me but this is my blog and a good portion of my life has sucked regardless of how many children have distended bellies.

Now I know why my life has sucked. Girls. I know, cliche right? Well, cliches became a cliche for a reason, it's because for a large percentage of time they hold true. Now some may say I've been too sensitive. Some may say that if I just developed a tougher shell then maybe these events wouldn't have made my life suck so bad. Screw that. Girls have caused me more heartache than I can ever completely recall. Now I admit, some of this does indeed fall squarely into my court. However, that doesn't change the fact the girls have ruined large portions of my life. Chasing them, loving them, hating them, whatever the case may be, girls have been significantly involved.

I won't go into details about every single instance, but some things still stand out to me as they are quite significant in the fact of my life sucking. I hold no ill will against these girls, it is just that they are quite distinct instances which I will not forget quickly.

You see, one girl that I went to college with rejected me. Full friend speech and all. There is only 1 small problem that I should mention concerning why this sucked so bad. I wasn't asking her out! If that doesn't qualify as life sucking I don't know what does. I made a compliment about her hair, which she had drastically changed from the style of which she had had for the 4 years that I had known her. And this was interpreted as hitting on her and attempting to date her!

As if that wasn't enough, during my time at seminary I have again been the recipient of the full on just want to be friends speech. This time, from a girl that I was neither interested in or attempting to ask out. I'm batting a thousand on getting rejected by girls I'm not asking out. If that doesn't suck, I don't know what does.

The last instance may be the worst. Most likely because it was not only someone that I kind of liked, but one that I consider a close friend. And when her life was not going so great, it seemed that she felt the same way about me. We talked every single day. Unfortunately, it was always about how crummy things were going and I was the designated shoulder to cry on. And I embraced that because I thought that maybe it things would eventually go my way if I did. I'll go ahead and admit the fault on this one. I put myself in a position to continually have my heart broken into smaller and smaller pieces. And now that her life is going good, I generally don't hear from her too often. Which breaks the pieces just a little bit more.

Like I said, I hold no ill will against these girls. To the contrary, I love all three of them and care for them very much. One of them is now married. One of them is fixing to leave the state for several months. And the final one says that she has found a guy that she loves very much. I'm proud of each of them, and continue to thoroughly enjoy the fact that we are friends.

You see I've finally after all this time reached a point where I can live freely. Where I can live in the knowledge that I don't need someone else. I'm finally in a place where what God thinks of me is what truly matters. Where He is what I need/desire/want/run to. Sure I slip up. I still hurt. I still feel like there's got to be someone out there that likes large men with a nerdy side and a tendency for philosophical and pastoral rants, such as this one. But I'm ok with waiting now. I think it sucks. But I'll wait. Because all I want is God. I figure if I can't be content with a loving relationship with the creator of the universe, some lucky girl doesn't really stand much of a chance. So I wait. Because I have tasted and I have seen that the Lord is good. And not only is He good, but He makes my heart pound right out of my chest. God makes me short of breath and He makes me rise to my feet for no reason. God is all I want and He has consumed me. And He is changing me into a person that only desires Him. So that when the appropriate time comes, I can be with the one that I have desired over Him for so long.

If you can't love a God who would do something like that, what can you love?

Pastor Mama Coco